chapter 8

                                                                    8.

The sky was turning dark as the end of the afternoon approached. Nina was strolling down the main lane of the Botanical Gardens, not exactly sure of where it might be leading though remaining quite optimistic that it would be a place worth seeing.

The surrounding foliage and undergrowth around the path that Nina was following was very well-tended and pleasant-looking with lush trees of all sorts emerging from the ground amidst shrubs and flowers as well as various large rocks sprinkled around the stretch of the verdant territory serving as natural resting areas. Due to it being late afternoon, the Gardens were almost empty, with only Nina and a few other visitors still promenading about as well as a couple of teenagers sitting and reading under some large sycamore trees at the far end of her view. As far as the non-human guests were concerned, the visiting population of squirrels and birds was still high in numbers and undeterred by the fact that the Gardens would be soon closing for the evening.

Nina had reached a rectangular, domed glass and steel construction into which heavy plantation had been enclosed when she realized that she had in fact no idea as to which turn she had to take in order to get to the lake. There were presently, various arrows on the ground all pointing to different parts of the horizon though none of then stating where exactly they were leading. Nina decided to look for more decisive direction such as from the young man that was sitting on the grass at the side of the lane in front of a strange-looking plant, drawing careful sketches of it on his leather-bound notebook. The young man was taking great pains at making an exact, perfect, two-dimensional replica of the plant in front of him and seemed to be dead-focused on the job at hand. The remaining paper-space all around his drawings was taken-up with extensive notes, small outlines and scribbles.

Nina approached him quickly and stood over his note pad taking a closer look at his work. The man slowly lifted his eyes from his work to look at her, gave her a welcoming smile and then rose to his feet to give her a proper greeting with a warm, friendly handshake. “Do you like flowers?” he asked her while shaking her hand and looking at her in a meditative manner. He was tall, but not overbearing with long, rather feminine fingers and dark-brown hair. He also was slightly cross-eyed, his blue eyes slipping from symmetry and missing a beat whenever he glanced to the side or got blinded by the sun. Funnily enough though, as Nina later realized, they became dead-focused whenever he was concentrating or fixing his gaze onto something which was an event she started to anticipate with increasing infatuation. That’s what really got through her defenses about him. He appeared to be somewhat younger than her though she couldn’t be quite sure. He had the kind of spontaneous mannerisms and sincere eagerness that most people seem to lose on entering adulthood. On the other hand his manner of speech was gentle and inviting which to Nina rang as evidential of experience.

“Sure”, she told him, returning his friendly smile. “You probably like them more than I do, though”, she continued pointing at his notebook.

“It’s my job. I give the names to the new flowers. There’s a new species popping out every few days within the grounds and my job is to catalogue them and, most importantly, to name them. I have a talent for names and that’s how they gave me the job, you see. I’m Jay, by the way.”

“I’m Nina” she chirped. “And these new species of flowers? They only grow within the grounds of the botanical gardens?”

“As far as we know. They are very picky from what I understand; only growing in places where they will have a large audience”, he said with a playful grin, as if he was making fun of the exhibitionistic nature of the blossoms.

Nina giggled. Flowers preparing themselves in beautiful shapes and colors no one has ever seen before in order to appear before the appreciative audience of the Gardens show off and then die in a few days in order to give their place to something new.

“Poetic”, she said jovially. “I’d quite like to see one” she told Jay with a smile, the smile she categorized as her ‘fancy’ smile which she employed at times in need of persuasion or manipulative charm. “If that is possible”, she added even more sweetly.

“We are expecting a new flower to blossom tonight by one of the patches alongside the volcanic lake. It should be quite pretty if you want to come and see it. I was going there anyway, so I can take you with me if you want.”

“That sounds perfect” Nina replied with delight. Her afternoon seemed to be getting better and better.

As they started walking together along a new path behind the glass structure where Jay lead her towards, Nina asked him about the nature of his work and how it was possible for him to come up with new, well-suited names for all of the different flowers that flourished around the Gardens.

“It’s not that hard to think of new names. Think of the number of people that you have met. I haven’t been around for that long but even so, thinking back, I have been surrounded on various occasions by all sorts of people, far too many to account for in entirety. All of these people have usually been somewhat nice, sometimes cruel, some have been annoying, some a bit stupid, some smart, though most think they are a lot more intelligent than they actually are. Nevertheless, there is one thing they all had in common. They all had something interesting about them. No two people are ever the same. It’s similar with flowers. You just have to look for the characteristic however small it may be that sets them apart from the rest. And you name them after it.”

“Do you find your job fulfilling? Do you think that you actually make a difference?”

“We examine the behavior or movement of an object by examining its surroundings since it only moves in relation to something else. Hence by observing our surroundings or what we might call our reality, we alter it. We are involved in the world and make a difference simply by being in it. On top of that, I get to be present at the appearance of something new that the world has never seen before and I get to name it as well. So, yes, I find my job very rewarding”, he said and pulled out his notebook in order to show her some of his sketches and notes. The drawings showed peculiar flowers in an assortment of shapes and colors, at such diversity that she had never seen before and drawn with a steady, conscientious hand that revealed an attentive to detail and patient nature. Nina told Jay that she really liked his drawings and informed him of her own interest in art as well. She was feeling exceptionally comfortable and relaxed in Jay’s company, as if they had known each other for a long time and in his unforced manner of speech and easygoing demeanor around her, Jay gave her the impression of feeling the same.

After walking for some time, the scenery changed rapidly and where the view was covered by shrubs and trees, suddenly the horizon appeared above the black, rocky scrap of land that Nina had noticed from Barabbas Barley’s place high above the ground surrounded by the water of the lake, only now she was seeing it from a completely different perspective and in the erupting illumination of the sunset as well, which bathed it with such colors as to make it look like it had caught fire. The lawn was stretching all the way to the banks of the calm lake, where the black rock in its center was lazily releasing small puffs of smoke. The atmosphere was heavy with the smell of sulfur and freshly-cut grass.

Jay pointed the way to a naked stretch of soil that had recently been disturbed and, by the smell of it, fertilized. In the center of the square patch, the thin stalk of a flower was suspending a bud, closed firmly into a tight, green ball. The stalk of the plant was light-green and boasted two prickly, round leaves that were sitting close together right under the flower-bud. Jay sat on the ground and focused his gaze on the lonely flower. Nina did the same, though not in such a forthcoming way as her new acquaintance due to her reluctance at soiling her new outfit. Nevertheless, sat on the ground she did, right next to an attentively flower-watching Jay who seemed to have eyes only for the plant in front of him. Without averting his eyes he suggested that Nina did the same. “They will only blossom if they feel welcome and admired. Try and look at it as if it’s the most beautiful thing in the world”, he recommended in a whisper. Nina followed his instructions and focused her interest in front of her while assuming a look of admiration and intense affection.

The stem of the flower shivered slightly and then the bud sluggishly rose a few millimeters from where it was hanging. Both leaves on the stalk stretched a bit to the side and then the petals of the flower popped away from each other, separated and languidly expanded to their full length, resting side by side to form a black disk around their azure center and faced the two of them directly. The petals looked silky-soft and very thin, almost transparent in the light. They were very long and spiky, swaying and buckling at the tips in the light breeze for a few seconds of silence and loving gazes from Jay and Nina, after which they quickly gave one last stretch and closed back to a bud again.

Nina sat where she was without saying anything, still fixed on the flower that was very still again, as if nothing had taken place in the last minute. Jay turned and asked her if she liked the display. Nina nodded her head in appreciation and thanked him for showing her.

“I’m glad you liked it”, he said softly, turning his body to face the volcanic lake. Nina mirrored his motions. Swarms of ducks were dancing over the lake. Nebulas of reverberating bird-gatherings clustered together with invisible strings forming dispersions of shadowy mass, like a dark liquid had been thrown into a giant glass of water and was being suspended over the horizon.

“I didn’t just like it. I loved it”, she attested in an excited voice.

“You should love plankton… Two out of every three breaths you take come from plankton. And due to environmental pollution we are currently losing about 1% of it every year.”

“What?” she asked him perplexed.

“Oh, nothing... I’m just making a stupid joke. It’s just that people use the world love so lightly. It makes me want to remark on the fact that maybe they should give more thought to what kinds of things they actually love or what they should pay more attention to.”

Nina smiled and stared at him appreciatively. “I think you’re right. We say that we love things or people a little too easily and at the same time we avoid actually loving others because we see it as too much work or commitment.”

Jay grinned in agreement. “Do you do the same? It sounds like you know what you’re talking about”, he continued a little awkwardly, his face assuming an apologetic expression from the intrusive question.

Nina pondered the question while following the small wisps of volcanic smoke that were dispersing in the purple, twilight sky. “I’m afraid to love, it’s true. It leaves you wide open. But it is preferable to the alternative”.

“Feeling nothing?”

“No. You feel. You can never stop feeling”

“What’s the alternative then?”

“It’s…ugly”, Nina said glumly. She always found it easier to express herself in aesthetic terms. Opinions could be fleeting and unreliable but beauty was a universal constant, more eloquent to her eyes and senses than anything her mind could develop.

“You see, I’ve been there. I kind of lost it for a little while”, she continued. “I lost my essence. And you know what the symptoms are? You start caring about what people that do not matter think about you, while being unable to truly care about the people that do matter.”

“Why would you do that to yourself?” he asked her in a concerned tone.

“I guess I thought I didn’t quite deserve to be loved. I always thought I had to be amazing in order to be dear to someone. Like love is something you have to work your way up to. But that’s not the way it goes. You are only ever loved for who you are; no exertion necessary. All you need to do is love back. I had this imaginary committee in my head coming together in order to deem me worthy of being loved and in what quantities based on my merits. But love is not an award and it is not a public event.”

“No, it isn’t. You don’t even have to be that great in order to be loved. I mean we all deserve to be loved and we all have someone out there who is perfect for us, as we are for them.”

“Do you really believe that?” Nina asked him looking skeptical. She was never quite convinced of the truth of such romanticism.

“What do you think is the fascination behind ‘Wuthering heights’ or ‘Romeo and Juliet’? Juliet was not a Nobel Prize winner or a philosophy professor, Romeo is not exceptional in any way. Katherine and Heathcliff were both deeply flawed characters even repulsive at times. But they were all perfect for each other. That’s what we are all essentially looking for; someone who we cannot live without no matter how flawed or non-perfect they may appear to be to others. They would be perfect for us. And we want them to feel alike for us. I understand that this is some kind of love-utopia that we deem unattainable, the product of fiction. Isn’t the fact that we would all jump at the opportunity of being in such a relationship proof enough that it may be possible? Let’s be honest who wouldn’t want that kind of romance?” he asked her throwing his hands in front of him.

“I know I, providing such a thing exists, would give one of my kidneys in exchange for finding my other half”, she said in a low voice. “Somehow, it hasn’t been so easy for me though. Maybe I shouldn’t want or need to find love. I think it might make things easier.”

Jay appeared to be very perplexed by her rationalization and said nothing while waiting for her to explain further.

“We tend to offer the corresponding things to the people who appear not to need them. The moment you appear as if you are in need of something from another person you can kiss it goodbye. Nobody teaches you this”, she told him with a sigh. Nina remembered working briefly as a sales assistant in an expensive cosmetics boutique the kind where all sorts of wealthy, desperate women would flock to in search of their lost youth, self-esteem and happiness. The job was unfulfilling in many ways but Nina consoled herself in thinking that for the time she had been working there, besides minimum wage, she was also earning invaluable experience in interpersonal relationships. For instance, it was part of the management’s policy to offer generous discounts and copious amounts of free samples only to the biggest spenders, the filthy rich customers, trying to ensure that they only spent their cash at their store and no one else’s. These women were so rich that they never even inquired on how much the pig’s-snout elbow-cream or bee’s knee’s eyebrow lotion they were acquiring would cost. And it would cost a lot! Every once in a while a fellow minimum wage earner would come in the store spending the equivalent of a month’s salary, doubtlessly put together after scrupulous saving, on a face cream. Nina was never allowed to give them a discount or any samples though even though they would obviously appreciate these facilities a lot more than their considerably wealthier counterparts. Where is the fairness in that? Nina would think. There isn’t any. But it makes good business sense. And business these days seems to encompass real life in general.

“When you need someone’s love and affection they will be very reluctant to give it to you” she continued. “They will even accuse you of it as if you are conspiring to harm them or rob them of their much needed supplies. Treat the same person with aloofness, doubt and evident contempt and they will lavish you with attention and ‘feeling’, which they were so intent on keeping to themselves in apparent dire personal need beforehand. The conclusion you cannot escape but coming to is that most people are tedious attention seekers. Disregard them and they will tirelessly wag their tale and lick your face for you to acknowledge them. Show them that they are special to you, show them that they have your attention and suddenly you hold no interest for them. You are a street corner they have already pissed on. New corners and car tires are awaiting them to leave their mark on and secure their territory. There is no reciprocation in most people’s relationships although that is probably the best part about them. Interpersonal relationships have become competitions. We are the drama queens that get our kicks from the little games we devise to control one another, our petty power-plays.”

“These people don’t sound very healthy to me. Fair enough, it is detrimental to need someone to tell you what to do or fix your problems for you. But closeness, friendship, love…they are needs as well and ones that you cannot fulfill alone. It doesn’t render you ‘needy’ to require these things. It renders you human”, Jay pronounced, turning to face Nina.

“And how about nobility and justice?” she said even more animated now that she had found somebody who understood her and was able to participate in a sane conversation. “We offer our help and affections to the people that do not especially need or want them and not out of desire to help them either. We are trying to manipulate them into offering whatever it is they have in abundance to us. Instead of reciprocation we use manipulation because we do not trust others to reciprocate kindness and we are not patient enough to wait for the long-term benefits of altruism. We want satisfaction, we want it now and we want to be sure to get it. Now, that’s needy!”

Jay laughed amusedly at her ironic remark and then looked at the grass under his shoes. “One way or the other I am not facing any such problems of emotional manipulation at the moment and not for some time now. Nobody seems to want to actually commit to me”, he said.

“Far too many people seem to want to commit to me in too brief a time and with very little consideration. You see, funnily enough, a lot of guys seem to find me attractive and it appears to be enough for them.” Jay feigned surprise at her statement with a comical grimace and Nina continued. “There’s that, and then there is also the fact that I am starving for affection so I give it out in large amounts in hopes of receiving it in return.”

“I see. And how is that approach working out for you?”

“It isn’t! It’s a complete fiasco. It turns out that forcing yourself to be with romantic partners that are not exactly right for you can create more problems than it does spontaneous displays of affection, not to mention love. Huh, love. It has come to sound like a silly thing, hasn’t it? Anyway, all this must probably sound silly to you in general.  I mean, all these things are probably straightforward, common sense to most people.”

“No, not to me they are not. In fact, I am certain that quite a lot of people are not with whomever is right for them but are with whomever comes with certain prerequisites that they have been disciplined to require. And that’s what to these people common sense stands for. Anyway, you should allow yourself to be with whomever you in fact want.”

Nina smirked in comical desperation at his remark. “Assuming that I know what I want... Maybe I am not old enough to know yet.”                                                                                                                                                    

“Age has nothing to do with it. Our wants are embedded in us from a very early age along with our personality and they never change. You are only ever old enough to know what you will settle for.”                                                                                                     

“So how come I don’t know what I want?”                                                                                 

“Well, as time goes by we tend to forget what we want and confuse it with what we are told to want. It happens to everyone, hence all the unhappy people. In a way it’s even easier to get what you desire than what you are told to, since you are probably better at what you like doing than what you are told to do. For example, nowadays fame and fortune are advertised as a guarantee at happiness, only I have no actual desire to be rich and famous. Despite that fact there is still a part of me that feels unfulfilled due to my not achieving these things that are constantly projected to me as the thing to want.”                                                                                                                   

“I have had a similar social upbringing so I understand that completely. I do have one question though. How do you separate the things you actually desire from the things that you are taught to covet and aspire towards?” she asked.                                                  

“The method I use to classify whether something is worth wanting or not, is by identifying how it makes me feel. If it comes naturally and falls into place into my life and I don’t have to change parts of who I am to facilitate it, then it is worth it.”

Nina didn’t say anything after his explanation and gazed at the view, resting her chin on her knees and sitting with her limbs huddled together forming a small, well-dressed ball on the ground. A few minutes passed with none of them saying anything. It was almost too dark to see the volcano anymore.

“I think that I know what I want”, Nina said slowly. “I want silence. Comfortable silence.”